Fine
by Kandakicksass
Summary: Kurt isn't taking his NYADA rejection well and Blaine doesn't know how to help. He learns quickly that the words 'I'm fine' don't mean anything. Ficlet. Warnings: depression, implied eating disorders, self-harm.


**I'm a horrible person. My mind wouldn't leave this idea alone. It's just, the whole smiling with everyone and hugging Rachel and all that BS at the end of Goodbye didn't sit well with me. So take this how you will.**

Blaine found Kurt staring out the window in his room with a cup of tea in his cold hands. He didn't have to touch them to know their temperature; he'd felt them enough lately. It was weird – Kurt's hands were usually warm. Overly warm, almost, or maybe that was just Blaine. Kurt's touch used to always scald him.

A lot of things had changed, and Blaine wasn't sure what to do about it. For example, Kurt was _usually _in the shop with his father on Saturdays, or with him, or shopping. Lately, though, Blaine had found him here often, sitting and staring out the window as if something interesting was going on he couldn't look away from.

"Hey," Blaine said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. Kurt had moved a desk next to the window and sat there, almost directly in front of Blaine. He didn't turn around.

"Hi, sweetie." Kurt's voice was familiar, but different. Most people wouldn't be able to tell, but Blaine could, and it broke his heart.

Just like Kurt's spirit had been broken.

Kurt had claimed to be fine, and had seemed like it for a while, but everyone knew Kurt had a tendency to dwell on things. Things like his rejection. Things like suddenly being the only remaining the only graduate still in Lima. Blaine couldn't really understand why Kurt was taking it so hard, but he understood that he was. He couldn't be expected to understand, and that was fine. Kurt told him that every time Blaine stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching as Kurt was sick in the middle of the night from nightmares.

"What are you drinking?" Blaine's voice was quiet, like Kurt was a small, skittish animal.

"Chamomile. Want some?" Blaine nodded when Kurt turned to him briefly with a tiny smile. He tried not to make any sort of face that would upset him, smiling back tentatively, but they both knew that he was horrified. Kurt's eyes were surrounded by rings of purple and his skin seemed sallow. He was handed the cup and he had to make a conscious effort not to flinch when Kurt's cold fingers brushed his. "It's pretty out today," Kurt commented absently, turning back to the window.

Blaine took a drink. At least it was warm, he thought to himself. Out loud, he said, "Sure. Yeah, it's pretty." Rain was pretty, after all. He heard a beeping sound and stood, moving to Kurt's side. He looked down only to see Kurt's cell vibrating.

_Five missed calls. Four voice messages. _It pinged again. _Five missed calls. Five voice messages. _"Um, Kurt…" Blaine cleared his throat. "Aren't you going to answer the phone?"

"It's just Rachel." Kurt's voice had gone very flat very suddenly and Blaine could see the slightest tightening of his features. "She's just calling to tell me about her new apartment. It can wait until you leave." They both knew he wasn't going to call her back once Blaine left. As a matter of fact, he was probably going to delete both the voice mails and the notifications. The phone pinged with a text.

"I was thinking," Blaine said when Kurt took his tea back. "We should go out. Breadstix or something. Italian sounds good right now. What do you think?"

"I'm not hungry," Kurt said, his voice almost dreamy. He wasn't paying attention to Blaine anymore. He did that a lot recently. "I just want to stay here."

"But sweetie," Blaine tried again, hoping the endearment would shock Kurt out of whatever stupor he was in. "You've been locked up in here for a while now and you've got to eat something."

"No, I haven't. I was at your house on Thursday. Besides, I eat." Blaine nodded with a wince. Yes, Kurt ate. Sometimes. When he remembered. Blaine only counted it when the nightmares didn't end up forcing it all back up later that night.

"Yes, but Kurt – "

"Look, Blaine, why don't you take Tina out? She's been a bit lonely lately, hasn't she?" Kurt was just guessing. He hadn't spoken to Tina since a week after graduation, three weeks before. He was just trying to get Blaine out. "Tina is lovely dinner company. You can come back later. I'll be fine." Fine. Blaine hates the word 'fine' because it doesn't mean what it should. Kurt isn't fine.

"Kurt –"

"No, go, sweetie, have fun." Blaine flinched as the endearment was thrown back at him.

"All right," he said softly. "I'll come back later, maybe." Kurt nodded, but he was off again. "I love you."

Blue-green eyes slid from the rain to him for a moment. They weren't focused. "Love you, too." Blaine leaned down, pressing a kiss to the corner of Kurt's mouth. He used to love that, teasing and sweet at the same time. Now Kurt just gave him another one of those tiny not-smiles and shooed him away.

Blaine backed up. At the door, he glanced over his shoulder at Kurt, sipping at his tea with a glazed look in his eyes. He turned around and practically ran down the stairs.

"Hey, kid, what's wrong?" Burt asked him in bewilderment as he passed, obviously home for his lunch break, but Blaine made a noncommittal grunt and hurried to the front door. All of a sudden he felt stifled, uncomfortable. Kurt was in so much pain from the final blow, the last kick and the last 'you're not good enough'. The last bit of proof that Rachel would always be the one to live his dreams, would always be the one with the spotlight. Always be the one to live the life he wanted for himself. Kurt was in so much pain and Blaine didn't know how to help

Instead of trying to help, he ran.

* * *

Later that night, Blaine returned to the house and gave Burt an unsure smile and a hesitant apology. Burt shrugged it off with a smile, as worried as he was, and Blaine made his way back up the stairs.

He paused outside Kurt's door, listening to the sound of his voice. "—no, Rachel. Everything's fine, of course. Yeah." Blaine bit his lip and stilled his body to avoid making any noise. "Sounds lovely, Rach. And I'm sure the campus is-" Kurt cut off for a moment, coughing. "-beautiful. Yes. Well, of course it does. It's the perfect school, isn't it? For you, I mean. It has everything you could ever want."

There was a long pause in which Blaine listening to the faint sound of Rachel's voice over the phone and the creak of Kurt's bed springs. "Sure. Of course I'll come visit. Sure. Yeah, sometime soon." Another pause. "Maybe. I'm really tired, Rach, so…" More squeaking from the phone. "Yes. Thanks. Okay, bye."

Biting the inside of his lip, Blaine knocked, walking in when he heard Kurt welcome him. "Welcome back," Kurt greeted him. He was lying on his side in a pair of sleeping pants that almost matched the color of his eyes. Blaine looked over at his clock – nine PM – and thought to himself that his Kurt would normally be doing his facial care regime.

This Kurt didn't bother. He merely gave Blaine that not-smile again and gestured for him to come forward. "Cuddle with me, honey."

Of course Blaine slipped his shoes off, setting them neatly by the door, and crawled into bed. He wrapped his arms tentatively around Kurt. He'd all but moved in with them, spending nights and weekends and weekdays at the Hummel-Hudson household. Burt wouldn't be surprised if he found them together. Kurt needed him right now.

"Mm, you're warm," Kurt hummed. He snuggled into the crook of Blaine's neck, pressing a light kiss there.

"Yeah," Blaine whispered, holding Kurt just a bit tighter when his body confirmed the ridiculousness of his unconscious fear that his boyfriend would shatter in his arms. "Love you."

"Love you, too," Kurt murmured drowsily. "M'sleepy."

"'Course you are," Blaine agreed, caressing Kurt's hair. "Sleep."

"M'kay."

Blaine bit his lip as Kurt snuggled closer, twining their legs together. He took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of his boyfriend, and closed his eyes. He wasn't going to help by worrying all his sleep away. If he could help at all. He could just hold his boyfriend close and kiss his nightmares away.

Kurt curled a fist on his chest and sighed contentedly. Blaine opened his eyes to glance down. It pained him to see the thin red lines marring his pale forearm. He slid his hand to Kurt's wrist and lifted his arm just enough to kiss the closest of the cuts. Kurt didn't say anything. He slept. Blaine watched him breathe gently for what felt like hours before his own eyelids slipped shut.

He was up again at 1:33 in the morning to the sound of Kurt retching down the hall. With a wince, he managed to swing his feet out of bed and pad down the hall. "Kurt? Honey? You okay?"

Kurt smiled blearily up at him. "I'm fine. Just gotta brush my teeth and I'll be back in bed. This one was just a bit worse than the others." _Fine. _Blaine's jaw clenched. _Not fine not fine not_ _fine._

Kurt never told him what the nightmares about, but Blaine could guess from all the times Kurt said 'cage' and 'alone' in his sleep. Nothing good happened in those dreams. He watched as Kurt brushed his teeth thoroughly, then followed it up with mouthwash to get rid of the aftertaste.

He followed Kurt back to bed and lined his body with Kurt's back. This time, he didn't wake until morning.


End file.
